Sara's Life

Here is my discussion with Sara Tasneem:

Vilas: What circumstances led to your child marriage?

Sara: Quite a few circumstances led to my child marriage. Significantly, the devaluation of the girl child within an insular patriarchal cult led directly to my marriage at the age of 15 to a 28 year old stranger. The contributory factors were that I was a girl, I wanted to explore my own sexuality outside of the patriarchal structure I had been subjected to by my father, and the simple fact that in my family I was considered more of a burden than a member of the family. Additionally, my mother had partial custody of me but had her own issues and demons she was struggling with. Although she left my dad when I was five, she also became a functioning alcoholic and had ongoing mental health struggles most of her adult life. As much as I wanted my mother to save me, she could not even save herself. 

Vilas: How old were you and how old was your husband? 

Sara: My ex abuser was 28 at the time I met and was spiritually married to him when I was just fifteen years old. I was 16 and pregnant when we were legally married. In California the state that I was living in he had been committing statutory rape and the cult advised him to marry me to not have to deal with my mother and statutory rape charges. 

Vilas: What was your day-to-day life like in the first six months to two years of your marriage? 

 Sara: I was completely isolated the first six months of the marriage with only my ex to rely on and communicate with. I ended up really being very dependent on him emotionally and physically. I think he liked that I needed him and that I was always waiting for him to come home. I did not feel comfortable in his parents home even though it was beautiful and they were not mean to me. I just did not know them and I was unsure of who I was. I was trying to fit a mold of who he wanted me to be and who I thought that I should be according to my dad's religion. I tried to make the best of it by being what he wanted me to be. I became pregnant very quickly and did not know what was happening to my body. I was in a lot of pain and remember having to go to the doctor in a foreign country and being examined by someone I did not trust with my ex in the room. After six months we returned to the United States and I was legally married. My ex was able to apply for a path to citizenship and when I had my daughter we were living in the basement of the Shaykh's house in what would have normally been a closet off the bathroom. I began feeling confused about my situation after my daughter was born. It was not until we moved into our own place that I had time to be on my own and think about what I really wanted. I became depressed. I used to walk my daughter to the park and one day after seeing kids my age walking to school I thought to myself, "I want to go back to school". That became the key to unlocking my freedom. It would take another 6 years and another child to break free of that marriage. 

Vilas: How do people treat you when they find out you were married as a child?

Sara: It depends. Mostly they feel sorry for me. Others see that it took a lot of power to leave that situation. Most people are genuinely shocked to hear that a child can marry in the US. They usually assume that it happened in another country. I have been judged very differently throughout my life but particularly harshly when I was a young and single mother. It has had a deep impact on me and my kids. 

Vilas: What long lasting effects has it had on your life?

Sara: I don't think there is a way to measure the impact. Sadly it is something that has caused so much harm to not just myself, but my children as well. It has had a multigenerational impact. I hope that it ends with me though. My kids are both adults and live freely and choose their own partners. 

Vilas: How did you get out? What obstacles did you face?

Sara: I could write a book about this. I faced too many obstacles to put into one sentence. The main obstacle was my age. I could not easily escape because of my age and because the man who was raping me was my legal husband. 

Vilas: Did your husband face any consequences? 

Sara: No - he is a millionaire now because he inherited his dad's fortune. He paid child support off and on and when he did it was 500 a month for two children. He did not see his children that often and he complained that it was too expensive for him to travel so much. When they visited him I was sick with worry the entire time. I was also scared he would try to keep them. He had no desire to be a father and that became very apparent after our divorce.

Vilas: How does that experience affect your life today?

Sara: The experience of being a child bride has made me understand the true meaning of freedom because I had to fight for it. I understand the meaning of poverty because I lived through it. I know how hard it is to be a single mother fighting for her kids and their safety. I know that I can almost bear anything and continue surviving. I understand the meaning of success because I built that for myself. All the things that the abusers in my life meant to punish me with have only strengthened me as a human being. I feel deeply and I empathize with many because of my experiences. I also carry pain and I am still healing. Healing has been a process for me that I think may be lifelong. I am learning to enjoy my life more and learning to embrace all the things that make life beautiful. My experience has ultimately led me to a life of public service and policy work. I feel that finding and creating resources for underserved communities is my calling in life. 

Vilas: What led you to advocacy? When did you know you would become an advocate for ending child marriage? Was there a specific time or experience that drove you to this activism? 

Sara: I was going back to school to get my Bachelor's degree and I was in an English class when I began the very surprising journey to advocacy work. During my research of child marriage at the time, in 2017, it was legal in all 50 states. I became livid after learning this and found a non-profit organization called Tahirih Justice Center who had written material on their website about forced and child marriage. Until that point, I had not seen it clearly defined. That gave me real agency to start talking more about what happened to me and understand that it was not an isolated event. Tahirih had a questionnaire and asked for survivors' stories on their website. I wrote to them and they contacted me fairly quickly. I began working with them to share my story publicly which led to my advocacy work with Unchained at Last and other orgs and survivors. 

Vilas: What do you think is the number one reason child marriage still exists in our country?

Sara: I think Child Marriage exists due to the underlying patriarchal nature of the laws that were written before our country became one. Child marriage hearkens back to common law and many of the laws on state and federal books have changed somewhat over time but have not changed enough. These laws were based on a time where women were considered property of their fathers and then husbands. While we women have made significant strides towards personal freedoms, we are nonetheless continuing to wage that battle. It is an ongoing struggle to pass laws in each state which is what it will minimally take to at least end child marriage legally in the US.